i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
