I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
