Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
