You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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