After last night, I could never be a politician.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
