i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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