that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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