So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
