shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
