That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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