i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize