Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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