If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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