No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize