Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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