i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
