I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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