I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
