There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
