The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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