You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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