That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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