My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
