WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
