My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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