you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
