he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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