i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
