He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
