he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
