I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
