this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize