My liver just broke up with me...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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