My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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