you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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