I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
this just has baby written all over it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
