I skipped work to stalk him.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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