Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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