i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
