I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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