Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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