Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
