I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
