Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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