I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
