we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
