Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
