Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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