That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
