I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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