you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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