He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize