My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
