I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Can vaginas get frostbite?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize