My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
