I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
