He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
