Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
