i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
