Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Randomize
