If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Randomize
