So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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