Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You did what with his pubic hair?
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